home is where i am gay


Sometimes, I feel as if I can take over the world!

Other times I just want to dig a hole and hide from it,

I’ll occasionally talk to everyone and befriend anyone around

but it’s only fraudulent, because I know I don’t fit.

I have always felt sorta strange like I’m not from here,

being around people tends to make me uncomfortable,

when trying to relate and get along with my peers,

I tend to overtalk with babble, which makes me vulnerable.

Anxiety starts to trickle in starting in my fingertips and toes

all of this is internal so you wouldn’t even know,

then the shaking and the sweating come like a whirlwind,

now you notice something is wrong as it begins to show.

I am not really eager to talk about this with anyone,

these feelings come and go as they flip-flop rapidly,

in a single instance, I can appear well put together

then in the drop of a hat, I will begin to act irrationally.

I struggle most days to make my way out the front door

and the untrained will tell me I’m just having a bad day,

you don’t know what it’s like for me as I start to panic,

being back home is where I feel most comfortable and gay.

Β© 2018 Joseph Emerson @ WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com



    1. It’s that social/general anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder that tends to win at times before I can catch what’s going on.. most the time it’s too late. My girlfriend is really good about helping me realize what I am doing and to snap out of my funk. It it wasn’t for that I would never leave the house. It’s so strange. Meds help.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It’s not strange at all. Anxiety can be very crippling, especially if we don’t realize what is happening to us. I’m glad you have someone who understands. Also, meds help, but make sure you’re taking the right dosage. Too much or too little, can cause the same issues.


      2. I’m pretty ok right now. A 100x better than this time last year. He meant if I have bad side effects or if we would need to add a mood altering/enhancement. I have no idea. I also have 2 therapists that work together.
        There’s a team working on this lol JK (wait no I’m not) It seems crazy when I say it out loud. I see one of them tomorrow and the other on wednesday.. all set haha

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Glad to hear you’re doing ok. When you’re not sure what’s going on, hit the keys and type it out, then share it. You’ll be surprised how many of us out there totally get you πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  1. There’s nothing wrong with being different; that’s what makes YOU unique!❀ Love you! Love the skin you’re in & own who are. Don’t worry about judgemental people. They don’t have a Heaven or Hell to put you in! Stay kind, committed to love & free in your authenticity babeπŸ˜˜πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Beautifully written Joseph, a piece like this is a gift to us all. The wounds unseen are often the more painful and harder to heal, glad you’re doing ok . Poets feel more and see where others only look, it can be a tough gig, but isn’t it glorious when you open a door and the words, thoughts and images tumble out ! Keep opening doors friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The day you will accept you are unique and start feeling happy about it (i take it to the level of pride at times πŸ˜‰) your life will change for good.
    Old me used to think i am wrong..
    New me says i am just me..and i m good at being me. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is very brave of you to write your heart out and channel out every thought in a beautiful expression like this . All I want to say is more power to you for presenting your idiosyncrasy ! Stay blessed πŸ˜‡β˜ΊοΈπŸŒΈ

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Very nice text and the title can put someone immediately in your position and live what you are describing to live and feel everyday

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I purposely made the title and ending as a shocker. Almost to fake people out, Like “what the hell? is he coming out?” lol no, I’m happily in a long-term relationship with a female who I live with and don’t plan on leaving ever. Glad you like this! Thank you so much for reading. 🎩

      Liked by 1 person

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