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home is where i am gay

types-of-teens-3

Sometimes, I feel as if I can take over the world!

Other times I just want to dig a hole and hide from it,

I’ll occasionally talk to everyone and befriend anyone around

but it’s only fraudulent, because I know I don’t fit.

I have always felt sorta strange like I’m not from here,

being around people tends to make me uncomfortable,

when trying to relate and get along with my peers,

I tend to overtalk with babble, which makes me vulnerable.

Anxiety starts to trickle in starting in my fingertips and toes

all of this is internal so you wouldn’t even know,

then the shaking and the sweating come like a whirlwind,

now you notice something is wrong as it begins to show.

I am not really eager to talk about this with anyone,

these feelings come and go as they flip-flop rapidly,

in a single instance, I can appear well put together

then in the drop of a hat, I will begin to act irrationally.

I struggle most days to make my way out the front door

and the untrained will tell me I’m just having a bad day,

you don’t know what it’s like for me as I start to panic,

being back home is where I feel most comfortable and gay.

© 2018 Joseph Emerson @ WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

28me79y

 
 

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Dazed and Amused. The story of my…

dazedandamused

Photo courtesy: Google Images

As the days shrink to nothing more than slivers of light, lasting just long enough to dry the dew from the plastic on my newspaper bundle lying in our rhododendron.  This warm sensation flows over me.  Generating at the top of my head progressing to the backs of my eyes.  Until that feeling converts itself into an uncontrollable tremor throughout my whole being.  I clench my eyes and listen to the thumping of my heart.  Trying to tell myself that I need to breath and slow the thoughts…

Well, we know what this does, right?  This consult sets into motion the mother of all anxiety…                                                                                  PANIC !!!

Trembling, tautness of every muscle, sweating, twitching….   am I holding my breath?

Dizziness, weakness in my knees, tingling in my hands and face….   I had better sit down.

…came to in a daze.

                                                    “Shit, it happened again.”

Sitting on the floor trying to reiterate in my mind the scenario of what just happened.  Completely exhausted I stumble back to my feet and look up at the clock to find that a solid hour has passed and still no real rationalism for what has just happened to me.

Uncontrolled delusional laughter and humiliation, mixed with overwhelming confusion of anything and EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE!

This time too run-down to have another bout of it I fall asleep peacefully

 

 

© 2017 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 

 

 
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Posted by on November 18, 2017 in Mental Health

 

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