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home is where i am gay

27 Mar

types-of-teens-3

Sometimes, I feel as if I can take over the world!

Other times I just want to dig a hole and hide from it,

I’ll occasionally talk to everyone and befriend anyone around

but it’s only fraudulent, because I know I don’t fit.

I have always felt sorta strange like I’m not from here,

being around people tends to make me uncomfortable,

when trying to relate and get along with my peers,

I tend to overtalk with babble, which makes me vulnerable.

Anxiety starts to trickle in starting in my fingertips and toes

all of this is internal so you wouldn’t even know,

then the shaking and the sweating come like a whirlwind,

now you notice something is wrong as it begins to show.

I am not really eager to talk about this with anyone,

these feelings come and go as they flip-flop rapidly,

in a single instance, I can appear well put together

then in the drop of a hat, I will begin to act irrationally.

I struggle most days to make my way out the front door

and the untrained will tell me I’m just having a bad day,

you don’t know what it’s like for me as I start to panic,

being back home is where I feel most comfortable and gay.

Β© 2018 Joseph Emerson @ WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

28me79y

 
 

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38 responses to “home is where i am gay

  1. Dorinda Duclos

    March 26, 2018 at 8:09 pm

    No reason to feel like an outcast. People will see you for you, if they’re worth your company. Hang in there. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Joseph Emerson

      March 26, 2018 at 8:15 pm

      It’s that social/general anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder that tends to win at times before I can catch what’s going on.. most the time it’s too late. My girlfriend is really good about helping me realize what I am doing and to snap out of my funk. It it wasn’t for that I would never leave the house. It’s so strange. Meds help.

      Liked by 2 people

       
      • Dorinda Duclos

        March 26, 2018 at 8:21 pm

        It’s not strange at all. Anxiety can be very crippling, especially if we don’t realize what is happening to us. I’m glad you have someone who understands. Also, meds help, but make sure you’re taking the right dosage. Too much or too little, can cause the same issues.

        Like

         
      • Joseph Emerson

        March 26, 2018 at 8:40 pm

        Very true. They said that it could take me years to figure it out… I was like, Uhhhhhhh what?

        Liked by 2 people

         
      • Dorinda Duclos

        March 26, 2018 at 8:49 pm

        Ack! find a new doctor!!!

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • Joseph Emerson

        March 26, 2018 at 8:54 pm

        I’m pretty ok right now. A 100x better than this time last year. He meant if I have bad side effects or if we would need to add a mood altering/enhancement. I have no idea. I also have 2 therapists that work together.
        There’s a team working on this lol JK (wait no I’m not) It seems crazy when I say it out loud. I see one of them tomorrow and the other on wednesday.. all set haha

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • Dorinda Duclos

        March 26, 2018 at 9:22 pm

        Glad to hear you’re doing ok. When you’re not sure what’s going on, hit the keys and type it out, then share it. You’ll be surprised how many of us out there totally get you πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • Joseph Emerson

        March 26, 2018 at 9:23 pm

        Thank you. Thank you. I will for sure. ✌🏼

        Liked by 1 person

         
  2. personalgrowthsuccessblog

    March 26, 2018 at 9:03 pm

    There’s nothing wrong with being different; that’s what makes YOU unique!❀ Love you! Love the skin you’re in & own who are. Don’t worry about judgemental people. They don’t have a Heaven or Hell to put you in! Stay kind, committed to love & free in your authenticity babeπŸ˜˜πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 3 people

     
    • Joseph Emerson

      March 26, 2018 at 9:10 pm

      Awe thank you so much. You’re too sweet. πŸ€— Thank you for reading and your beautiful words πŸ˜‰

      Like

       
      • personalgrowthsuccessblog

        March 26, 2018 at 9:27 pm

        You’re welcome!πŸ’• the more you learn love you, the more comfortable you’ll feel anywhere you go.

        Liked by 1 person

         
    • Shreya Jindal

      March 27, 2018 at 11:37 am

      I totally agree. that’s what makes you ‘the unique YOU’

      Liked by 2 people

       
  3. Nigel P Smith

    March 26, 2018 at 10:59 pm

    Beautifully written Joseph, a piece like this is a gift to us all. The wounds unseen are often the more painful and harder to heal, glad you’re doing ok . Poets feel more and see where others only look, it can be a tough gig, but isn’t it glorious when you open a door and the words, thoughts and images tumble out ! Keep opening doors friend.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Joseph Emerson

      March 27, 2018 at 5:39 am

      Thank you so much. Very true, more and more it seems people only glance. Nobody has time to dig deep anymore.
      Thank you so much for reading. πŸ€—
      🎩

      Like

       
  4. stoner on a rollercoaster

    March 27, 2018 at 6:50 am

    The day you will accept you are unique and start feeling happy about it (i take it to the level of pride at times πŸ˜‰) your life will change for good.
    Old me used to think i am wrong..
    New me says i am just me..and i m good at being me. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

     
  5. namra777

    March 27, 2018 at 7:45 am

    This is very brave of you to write your heart out and channel out every thought in a beautiful expression like this . All I want to say is more power to you for presenting your idiosyncrasy ! Stay blessed πŸ˜‡β˜ΊοΈπŸŒΈ

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Joseph Emerson

      March 27, 2018 at 8:02 am

      Thank you so much. It’s all about honesty , that helps people. πŸ€—
      🎩

      Liked by 1 person

       
  6. namra777

    March 27, 2018 at 10:05 am

    Absolutely πŸ™‚ and this honesty will take you a long way !🀩 Appreciation from Pakistan !

    Liked by 1 person

     
  7. annathefangirl

    March 27, 2018 at 1:26 pm

    I really like your content and I’ve nominated you for an award :))
    https://annathefangirl.wordpress.com/2018/03/27/versatile-blogger-award-2/

    Liked by 2 people

     
  8. Sofroniy Le Bon

    March 28, 2018 at 6:48 pm

    Very nice text and the title can put someone immediately in your position and live what you are describing to live and feel everyday

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Joseph Emerson

      March 28, 2018 at 8:44 pm

      Thank you, I purposely made the title and ending as a shocker. Almost to fake people out, Like “what the hell? is he coming out?” lol no, I’m happily in a long-term relationship with a female who I live with and don’t plan on leaving ever. Glad you like this! Thank you so much for reading. 🎩

      Liked by 1 person

       
  9. Iamnoone

    April 7, 2018 at 2:02 am

    Please check out my posts

    Liked by 3 people

     
  10. john mwalwala

    April 25, 2018 at 2:16 pm

    It’s indeed a wonderful blog. Thanks alot brother

    Liked by 1 person

     
  11. Mateonotofficial

    May 11, 2018 at 7:17 pm

    Good…. Please visit my blog

    Liked by 2 people

     
  12. vanshikalikestowrite

    May 20, 2018 at 6:08 am

    well put

    Liked by 1 person

     
  13. benleander

    July 11, 2018 at 6:08 pm

    Thought you were going in a very different direction with the title but I enjoyed where it went. I do understand what you mean even though I’m always quite gay lol

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Joseph Emerson

      July 11, 2018 at 7:32 pm

      Haha yeah I figured the title would grab some attention from the curious minds. Thanks for reading. πŸ‘

      Like

       

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