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A year of sobriety

I know, I know I went the easy route by going sober in a year that only had 365.25 days in it, instead of going for the leap year with 366.  Ugh.. you can say I do the bare minimum.

One year ago today, January 13th, 2017 was my first day without a drink, or any other recreational drugs (weed).  Both of which I had leaned on for so many years to make me feel “normal” and “level”… only to find out that, I never actually knew what that meant.  So how can you bring yourself back to a baseline if you never knew what that was to begin with?

After trying to “Quit” drinking several times before… I would just go back to it even harder than before.  I was so skilled in the art of alcoholism that people during the day had no idea there was even an issue.  Until the “Jekyll and Hyde” would happen in the evenings.  Couple that with severe depression and anxiety with a touch of self mutilation, you can say life was a bit uncomfortable, to say the least.  After about 6 months of sobriety I started to realize that there was something else wrong.  My brain, head, thoughts, anxiety, depression and obsessions were in overdrive and I couldn’t get out of my front door on most days.  This scared the living shit out of me.  Staying awake for days on end, constantly shaking with random panic attacks, calling out of work because I thought I was “dying”.  I knew after the summer, around 9 months of sobriety that I needed to talk to a professional.

I had toyed with the idea several times, but would later talk myself out of it by convincing myself that I was being over dramatic and ridiculous.  So I made an appointment, with help from my mom (I’m 33 and still and always will be a momma’s boy).  The best idea I/we had ever made in my entire life.  I now see a shrink every week and after a careful two month evaluation it was suggested that I talk to my doctor about going on meds.  Long story shortened a little… I am still sober with no plan of ever going back to that place and I take meds to calm the shaking and my mind.  I am still a work in progress every day (like they say in AA, we strive for progress, not perfection).  “One day at a time.”

So as I move forward I need to keep my head up, the creative juices flowing and just breath and appreciate the little bit of time we have here.  Living it, not in fear or pain but in comfort with who I am and how I spend my time.  Not blaming or looking for “the reasons” for why things happen.  Sometimes it “just is…”

If you know someone that has an addiction, please reach out to them.

Thanks for reading!! 🤠

 

Picture was from my 30th, almost 4 years ago….   IMG_0885

 
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Posted by on January 13, 2018 in Uncategorized

 

She said “No”

meg and I biking“No”

Normally this would be the last response a man would want to hear after asking the age old question of, “… will you marry me?”

Only in this instance, she knew that he was only making a jest, of their conclusion on each others equivalent view of wedlock.

When there are too many factors and variables at play, it just doesn’t seem paramount.  Their lives are just fine as is.  Financially, emotionally and physically charming.  Why fix what is not broken?  When it fabricates a tenseness in conversation, trying to even muse momentarily… the who’s, what’s, when’s and how’s of “The perfect wedding day”, why would they even invest another second into the conception of holy matrimony?

 

 

© 2017 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 

 
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Posted by on November 25, 2017 in love, Uncategorized

 

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The Toolbox

Minnesota_State_Capitol_Woodworkers_Toolbox_Historical_SocietyThey broke in again last night.  The thoughts and anxiety burst through the exoskeleton I had erected around my emotions, and they were clever enough to see through the impenetrable cloud of Zoloft.   Luckily this time they were not so masterful in stealing anything from me.  Too weak to carry anything off.  Fortunately I was able to stop and consider what my therapist would have said to me, if I had brought this up in discussion… he would say “use your TOOLS to help yourself”

So, I did just that… I dug deep into my toolbox. First I utilized a philips screwdriver to back out and loosen some of the screws, so I wouldn’t feel so tight.  Then I grasped for my ball pein hammer, just to knock a little sense into my noggin’.  Used a coping saw to skillfully remove my heart, as to no longer feel any pain in my chest.  Last but not least gathered some wire strippers and electrical tape to rewire my brain a bit, and put things back into order so that everything was laboring just right.  Tidied up the mess and stood back to applaud my work.  Michelangelo himself would have been self-satisfied to put this masterpiece on exhibit … haha ahh anyways

Thanks Doc.  Your advice and teachings really do help.  Can’t wait till next week, seeing the look on your face when you have learned that I am benefitting from our sessions…

 

 

© 2017 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 
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Posted by on November 22, 2017 in Mental Health, Uncategorized

 

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#boatlife

Am I in focus?DCIM102GOPRODocumenting boat work on video.  If anyone is a boat owner here… than you know this means my camera is on non-stop.

Bust, Out, Another, Thousand is no joke.

 

 

© 2017 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 
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Posted by on November 19, 2017 in My day, Uncategorized

 

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