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Sleep paralysis

Mystifying and cryptic. 

Gloomy and apocalyptic….

 

This is how I envision

the theater in my head,

Feelings of the colors

black, drab and dark red.

Barbed wire around my lungs,

stabbing, restricting as I breath.

Fluid inside my heart turning black,

Boiling vigorously begins to seethe.

 

Dark dressed figures are filing in,

organizing a vast congregation.

Eerily anxiously waiting for,

a humiliating public castration.

Never given an adequate chance

to stand or walk tall,

Beaten down relentlessly

they forced me to crawl.

Similar to being stuck in a dream,

trying to fight but feeling too weak.

Opened my mouth attempting to scream,

only to find I can’t even speak.

 

Escaping to a hot desert scene

where I’m lying on the ground,

longing for a sudden death

as the vultures circle ’round.

I finally awake

as my eyes spring open,

Overwhelming panic

as my body lies frozen.

Cannot move or think

wanting to yell,

ultimate fear comes to life

as I’m stuck in this hell…

 

 

© 2018 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 
38 Comments

Posted by on January 14, 2018 in Mental Health, poetry, writing

 

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Up the dosage 💊

Up the dosage,

make it more numb.

Make it so I,

can ghastly overcome.

💊

As my subconscious waves it’s deadly sword

on a collision course toward my mind.

My conscious presence jumps up and down

and hails, airily cheering from the side-line.

🗡

Taunting, screaming, mocking and chanting

I wish to act as if I don’t have any care,

But given the chance to take em’ all on,

Without question… as it is all too much to bear.

🤼‍♂️

As if my mind were not of my own

“Do as we say, and not as you wish”,

Like I was given this body and mind,

only to be trapped in a bowl like a fish

🐟

So, up the dosage

I will soon overcome,

the only way I know how,

by being comfortably numb.

💊

 

© 2018 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 
15 Comments

Posted by on January 12, 2018 in Mental Health, poetry, writing

 

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Just a year ago…

If you had seen me

Just a year ago,

The boy inside

you wouldn’t know.

The foolish ways

I would act and dress,

Only to “make” you

feel so impressed.

The games I played

the lies I spoke,

So full of shit

I began to choke.

It all began to spill

onto the floor,

I just couldn’t seem

to lie anymore.

I had failed to hide

the hate in me,

the shaking had shown

through anxiety.

My cover was blown

the jig was up,

I was now forced

to say it’s enough.

The tears would start

I wouldn’t know why,

Even when I was mad

I’d start to cry.

The feelings were mixed

the reasons were screwed,

and most would’ve agreed

my views were so skewed.

Fantasies of death

raced through my head,

the smile would grow

as I envisioned me dead.

The voice in my mind

would plead and beg,

I had even playfully jabbed

a knife in my leg.

Just to see

how it would feel,

an orgasmic feeling

of sharpened cold steel.

Pathetically made a list

of the family I’d miss,

as I traced with that blade

the veins in my wrist.

 

So….

If you had seen me

Just a year ago,

The boy inside

You wouldn’t, have wanted to know..

 

 

© 2018 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 

 
15 Comments

Posted by on January 2, 2018 in Mental Health, poetry, writing

 

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Is Doing Nothing a Waste of Time?

The question proposed, Is Doing Nothing a Waste of Time? primarily comes from the matter of feelings. .. .  Allow me to illustrate.

If we DO something, it is usually for the excitement or pleasure that we get out of it, right?  So for example, if you are going for a bike ride, to feel the wind tickle your face and to grasp that childish sensation of freedom … then why would it be any less praiseworthy if, while you were sitting on the porch with your feet up, you were able to bring forth just as much joy into sitting and staring off into space?

I feel that when I sit for a long period of time just thinking and scribbling, I start to introduce a feeling of guilt or shame (usually if it tends to last for days).  Not sure why I feel this way.  I catch myself comparing my actions and hobbies to others around me, or with the things that I used to do to keep myself occupied.  My battle with mental health being that I change so much, so rapidly.  It’s difficult and often downright impossible to keep up.

Maybe I just don’t want to go for a walk.

Maybe I don’t want to go out to dinner.

Maybe I don’t want to clean the basement.

Maybe I don’t want to…… “DO” anything.

I’m more than content hanging out with me in my head for now.  I do not need a distraction to get away from myself… and that is the first time in a long time that I have been able to say that.  There is a possibility that this feeling may only last another five minutes BUT,  It feels great.  I truly love me today…. or at least for right now.  For in this moment, I am okay with Doing Nothing.  So for in this moment the answer is No, it is not a waste of time.

At first this was just a typing rant, not meant to be posted but, hey who cares?  I’m gonna hit the PUBLISH tab anyways… 

 

 

© 2017 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 
27 Comments

Posted by on December 10, 2017 in Mental Health, My day, writing

 

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capitulation

Fear and depression inhumanely barge in,

divulging their distaste for order.

Tearing down the heavy clad walls,

for they’re captivated by no boarder.

*

The feeble wailing cries are heard aloud,

as the shaky Warden begs and pleas.

His guards once notably stouthearted men,

 foolishly grovel down to their knees.

 

 

© 2017 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 

 

 
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Posted by on December 7, 2017 in Mental Health, poetry, writing

 

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Rhythmic Tapping

“Snap”

“Slap”

“Rap”

“Crack”

“Ding” sounds the margin bell, helping the word-slinger acknowledge it is time to give a lusty push on the carriage return bar of the typewriter, thus not to let the words fall off the edge of the page.  Rejecting pause she keeps on typing, as there is unquestionably no indications of slowing down or shortfall in stride or procreation.  A hint of a pleasing aroma amuses her nose from the coffee that lies in her “Life is Good” captioned mug.  Ice cold.  With all intentions of contentedly sipping, after it had cooled down a bit, she placed it upon the coffee table and there is dwells, dismissed from her mind as she rejects all other encompassing senses and obligations.  She tenaciously advances her attack.  Punching each key, setting into motion the sequence of letters, into words, into sentences, into a culmination of emotion driven intoxication!

She lets out a sigh as she relaxes all of her limbs and muscles as she falls back into her chair.  Letting the anxiety and discomfort leak into her soul as she now realizes that she must……. proof read and go through the brutal gauntlet, of the persecuting editing phase of a writers work! LOL

Anyone ever feel like this?

 

 

© 2017 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 
12 Comments

Posted by on December 6, 2017 in writing

 

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If at first you don’t succeed …

ufocharcoal

Art and Photo by Me

I start by pacing the charcoal pencil back and forth, hovering slightly over the sketchbook page.  Waiting for the hand to fall, allowing the charcoal point to make its first mark.  To establish the starting point of this slow, drawn out affair of creative incubation.  The charcoal begins to leave it’s first line, resembling the contrail following a jet plane, it sets about it’s own story.  Of where it has been and the endless possibilities of where it may go.  With this in mind I let the feeling mentor the hand, in opposition of the mind setting stringent rules and boundaries, which may allow the imagination to grow musty and clichéd.  Moments pass and the fury continues in increasing potency.  Scribbling and smudging, erasing and rubbing.  Until there’s midnight black power covering both hands, the thighs of my khaki pants, my upper brow and of course that poor sheet of paper.  The natural euphoria wears off and my worst critic comes into view.  Myself.  I stand back and intellectually think   …..    “what the fuck is that?”

So I tear up the scribbled on page and picked up my guitar instead. lol

 

 

© 2017 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 
3 Comments

Posted by on November 30, 2017 in Inspiration, My day

 

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