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Case Closed

I heard someone once say…

you can’t put your arms around a memory.

I’ll never let that get the better of me,

for in a dream you walk the streets,

spray can in your hand

asking the world if it were “FREE?”

 

Desolate roads, hours past midnight

feeling invincible with no one in sight,

Tagging “SK” on concrete walls of buildings

Just laughing throughout the night

 

Carefully, methodically constructing rhymes

written to the melody, sounds and beat,

made by the tones of your Nike, Air Force Ones

as they rhythmically pound on the street.

 

A wildly ridiculous contagious laugh

in which everyone around you knows,

a dark hole exists in everyones souls now

love we all have for you, positively shows.

 

Missing that creativity consuming my life

all the more and more each day,

every time I come up with a new beat to share

well… there’s not much more I can say.

 

I will forever carry the memories with me

remembering the loyalty and love you’d shown,

with your infamous Woozy Goose tattoo on my leg

I will never walk these desolate streets alone…

 

Miss you Casey, Aka: Case Closed, Woozy Goose

 

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© 2018 Joseph Emerson @ WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 

 
9 Comments

Posted by on January 16, 2018 in Family, poetry, writing

 

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Mystery Blogger Award

img_20180116_220745-806200678.jpgHello All,

So here we go.  So graciously nominated for this Mystery Blogger Award by Daman over at ThisisDamanBlog. Please stop by her page and show some love, as it is filled with beautifully written poetry and color. This Mystery Blogger Award was originally created by Okoto Enigma. These are the rules for this nomination as follows:

Rules :

  1. Put the award logo/image on your blog.
  2. List the rules.
  3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  4. Mention the creator of the award.
  5. Tell the readers three things about yourself.
  6. Nominate 10-20 people.
  7. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.
  8. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice, with knee funny or weird question.
  9. Share a link to your best post(s).

 

The questions asked by Daman are..

Q: What is writing to you?

A: An escape to a world where I take everything that I have viewed, experienced and analyzed throughout my day and reiterate into my own words, feelings and understanding.

Q: Snapchat or Instagram?

A: Tough, I use both. Instagram is where I keep it PG and Snapchat I tend to get a little goofy and childish .. but for the sake of the question I choose Instagram.

Q: What is your favourite Enrique’s song?

A: Sooo… um I’m not closed minded when it comes to music but I have to sadly admit that I do not know of any Enrique songs. My girlfriend just busted out in song as I said that and told me to put “Hero”

Q: Pizza or Pasta?

A: Pizza ! Easier for on the go and easier to share.

Q: Do you believe in true love? If no. Why?

A: Yes. But finding it means you must know what it is like to have pain, so you have something to compare it to.

3 Things about myself:

1- I love anything and everything that has to do with creating art.  From painting to music, from writing to dancing… there is a beauty in creating something from nothing or being able to collaborate with another artist is just beautiful in so many ways.

2- I have a small infatuation with wanting to live in the early 1900’s and reliving it with the knowledge that I have now.  Although I’m not totally into Sci-Fi and time travel, I just think if you could pick me up and plop me down in 1902 I would be home.

3- I work for an assisted living facility and it is one of the greatest places I have ever worked.  The stories and wisdom and things you learn throughout your day (aside from patience) is priceless.

 

Links to my favorite posts…. (This is like a parent choosing a favorite child..):

1- Idle Hands=Death

2- Raise Up Your Glass

3- Case Closed

4- Sleep paralysis

 

And Finally the 5 Questions for those accepting my nomination…

  1. Favorite Novelist and Why?
  2. Favorite poet of all time and Why?
  3. Do you find yourself loving or hating our digital world?
  4. Do you think the digital world is better or worse for the writing world?
  5. Cats or Dogs?

Thanks again Daman, I had a lot of fun with this ! 🤗

 

 
7 Comments

Posted by on January 16, 2018 in Inspiration, My day, writing

 

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Sleep paralysis

Mystifying and cryptic. 

Gloomy and apocalyptic….

 

This is how I envision

the theater in my head,

Feelings of the colors

black, drab and dark red.

Barbed wire around my lungs,

stabbing, restricting as I breath.

Fluid inside my heart turning black,

Boiling vigorously begins to seethe.

 

Dark dressed figures are filing in,

organizing a vast congregation.

Eerily anxiously waiting for,

a humiliating public castration.

Never given an adequate chance

to stand or walk tall,

Beaten down relentlessly

they forced me to crawl.

Similar to being stuck in a dream,

trying to fight but feeling too weak.

Opened my mouth attempting to scream,

only to find I can’t even speak.

 

Escaping to a hot desert scene

where I’m lying on the ground,

longing for a sudden death

as the vultures circle ’round.

I finally awake

as my eyes spring open,

Overwhelming panic

as my body lies frozen.

Cannot move or think

wanting to yell,

ultimate fear comes to life

as I’m stuck in this hell…

 

 

© 2018 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 
28 Comments

Posted by on January 14, 2018 in Mental Health, poetry, writing

 

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A year of sobriety

I know, I know I went the easy route by going sober in a year that only had 365.25 days in it, instead of going for the leap year with 366.  Ugh.. you can say I do the bare minimum.

One year ago today, January 13th, 2017 was my first day without a drink, or any other recreational drugs (weed).  Both of which I had leaned on for so many years to make me feel “normal” and “level”… only to find out that, I never actually knew what that meant.  So how can you bring yourself back to a baseline if you never knew what that was to begin with?

After trying to “Quit” drinking several times before… I would just go back to it even harder than before.  I was so skilled in the art of alcoholism that people during the day had no idea there was even an issue.  Until the “Jekyll and Hyde” would happen in the evenings.  Couple that with severe depression and anxiety with a touch of self mutilation, you can say life was a bit uncomfortable, to say the least.  After about 6 months of sobriety I started to realize that there was something else wrong.  My brain, head, thoughts, anxiety, depression and obsessions were in overdrive and I couldn’t get out of my front door on most days.  This scared the living shit out of me.  Staying awake for days on end, constantly shaking with random panic attacks, calling out of work because I thought I was “dying”.  I knew after the summer, around 9 months of sobriety that I needed to talk to a professional.

I had toyed with the idea several times, but would later talk myself out of it by convincing myself that I was being over dramatic and ridiculous.  So I made an appointment, with help from my mom (I’m 33 and still and always will be a momma’s boy).  The best idea I/we had ever made in my entire life.  I now see a shrink every week and after a careful two month evaluation it was suggested that I talk to my doctor about going on meds.  Long story shortened a little… I am still sober with no plan of ever going back to that place and I take meds to calm the shaking and my mind.  I am still a work in progress every day (like they say in AA, we strive for progress, not perfection).  “One day at a time.”

So as I move forward I need to keep my head up, the creative juices flowing and just breath and appreciate the little bit of time we have here.  Living it, not in fear or pain but in comfort with who I am and how I spend my time.  Not blaming or looking for “the reasons” for why things happen.  Sometimes it “just is…”

If you know someone that has an addiction, please reach out to them.

Thanks for reading!! 🤠

 

Picture was from my 30th, almost 4 years ago….   IMG_0885

 
36 Comments

Posted by on January 13, 2018 in Uncategorized

 

Up the dosage 💊

Up the dosage,

make it more numb.

Make it so I,

can ghastly overcome.

💊

As my subconscious waves it’s deadly sword

on a collision course toward my mind.

My conscious presence jumps up and down

and hails, airily cheering from the side-line.

🗡

Taunting, screaming, mocking and chanting

I wish to act as if I don’t have any care,

But given the chance to take em’ all on,

Without question… as it is all too much to bear.

🤼‍♂️

As if my mind were not of my own

“Do as we say, and not as you wish”,

Like I was given this body and mind,

only to be trapped in a bowl like a fish

🐟

So, up the dosage

I will soon overcome,

the only way I know how,

by being comfortably numb.

💊

 

© 2018 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 
14 Comments

Posted by on January 12, 2018 in Mental Health, poetry, writing

 

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Just a year ago…

If you had seen me

Just a year ago,

The boy inside

you wouldn’t know.

The foolish ways

I would act and dress,

Only to “make” you

feel so impressed.

The games I played

the lies I spoke,

So full of shit

I began to choke.

It all began to spill

onto the floor,

I just couldn’t seem

to lie anymore.

I had failed to hide

the hate in me,

the shaking had shown

through anxiety.

My cover was blown

the jig was up,

I was now forced

to say it’s enough.

The tears would start

I wouldn’t know why,

Even when I was mad

I’d start to cry.

The feelings were mixed

the reasons were screwed,

and most would’ve agreed

my views were so skewed.

Fantasies of death

raced through my head,

the smile would grow

as I envisioned me dead.

The voice in my mind

would plead and beg,

I had even playfully jabbed

a knife in my leg.

Just to see

how it would feel,

an orgasmic feeling

of sharpened cold steel.

Pathetically made a list

of the family I’d miss,

as I traced with that blade

the veins in my wrist.

 

So….

If you had seen me

Just a year ago,

The boy inside

You wouldn’t, have wanted to know..

 

 

© 2018 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 

 
12 Comments

Posted by on January 2, 2018 in Mental Health, poetry, writing

 

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The Lounge Singer. (Turn it to the right..)

The Lounge Singer. (Turn it to the right..)
Singer Dart Finish

Painting by Me

 

 

 

© 2017 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 
20 Comments

Posted by on December 20, 2017 in art, Inspiration

 

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