RSS

Tag Archives: mental illness

Sole fear, in a lonely soul

depositphotos_151570800-stock-video-the-frightened-man-in-a

Here we go, pacing once again

another day in the khaki soul,

I can’t recall a sole time when

it was above legendary as a whole.

How many of us can honestly say

“I have changed so many lives today”

in a cosmic kind of way?

To actually have their actions convey?

Shall you speak what’s on your mind

and have all around you listen,

even if it’s not seen by the blind

they still freeze to hear your vision.

Sitting in a dark, windowless room

where a candle won’t even stay lit

rueful to cast a shadow on my gloom

burning its wax would share no benefit.

I lie in a mental painful anguish

a horrible way to waste life in sin,

I need to construct a way to vanquish

refrain from taking Easy Street, expecting to win.

Possibly walk outside and face the sun

to have no fear of the unknown

fearing not, to join a race that’s already begun

victory for myself, is to not be alone.

 

 

© 2018 Joseph Emerson @ WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 

 

 
 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I will not hang myself

charlottebronte1

My mom used to say that if given enough rope I’d hang myself…

For some reason, this thought comes to my mind now, that my therapist and I have made a conscious decision to cut my CBT sessions down to just twice a month.  Although I feel it is time for me to practice what I’ve  learned on my own, I’m almost anticipating/expecting a relapse.  Especially after how I have been feeling the past couple weeks.  Tired, depressed and slightly anxious… all of which I have not really mentioned to him.  Things I need to constantly remind myself:

  1. Be aware of triggers.  For self-mutilation, isolation, and mania.
  2. Redirect and “break the chain” when I notice I’m getting stuck in my head.
  3. Remember it is okay to feel pain, no more bottling! Bottling = Destruction.

Need to remember who I am and what I am.  Not to be ashamed, embarrassed, or afraid.

I can do this.

We got this.

 

 

© 2018 Joseph Emerson @ WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 
45 Comments

Posted by on February 22, 2018 in Mental Health, Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Tired tears and lullaby’s

so tired

Late night,

no sleep,

it’s been a while,

countless sheep.

That same ole’ cow

jumps over the moon,

I sure do hope

the fat lady sings soon.

So hopeful all this

will finally be over,

longing for a dreamland

a seamless crossover.

Delirious,

crazy,

maniacal,

mad.

Although the funny thing is,

that my shaking isn’t bad…..? Huh….

Beyond feeling tired,

my eyes tear up and drain

anxiety turns to depression,

from bottling the pain.

The thought’s start

no end in sight,

my mind races constantly

another wasted night.

 

© 2018 Joseph Emerson @ WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 

 

 
23 Comments

Posted by on February 22, 2018 in Mental Health, poetry, writing

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Why I am so tired.

Been away for a while.

I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere and got a little misplaced.  One minute I was out for a walk smelling the flowers and next thing ya’ know I was talking to strangers, eating things I was uncertain of, and drinking potions that smelled funny….  it’s downright maniacal how our mind works….                  ?

One minute you feel like everything is aligned, on track, in a routine.  Then blast.. complete chaos.  All going on inside my little head.  Feasting on anxiety and irrational thoughts.  I got stuck like a fly in a spider web, unaware it was in trouble until it was too late, it’s been wrapped up to die a slow death, until it is time to be devoured.  Barely enough time to analyze what had just happened, with little to no time to compile and list all of life’s regrets.

You know that feeling you get when your hair stands up on the back of your neck? All the senses in your body go completely haywire and start to short circuit, when you are afraid something might be right behind you amid running up the basement stairs?… Imagine that feeling for 5 minutes solid in a straight jacket.  No.  Seriously, close your eyes and imagine that fright tingling in your fingertips and all the way from your frontal lobe to the tip of your toe….

tumblr_mfnln7lI0v1razys8o1_500

My life in a nutshell, is what you’re feeling.

I’m exhausted…

Good Night.

 

© 2018 Joseph Emerson @ WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 

 
22 Comments

Posted by on February 21, 2018 in Mental Health, writing

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Liebster Award

Image result for Liebster award

Hello again,

I am writing about the Liebster Award today thanks to a nomination from Jeannette over at her site, My Life with PTSD & Bipolar-Mental Heath Matters.   You can find her HERE.

She has an amazing Blog where she writes about Mental Heath topics. Everything from Finding Happiness, depression to Inspirational quotations. Check it out !!!

So without further adieu….

The Official Rules of the Liebster Award 2018

Each blog gets one entry. To enter you must:

  • Link to this blog post in your Liebster Award blog post
  • Answer the questions given to you (if nominated, if you were not nominated you can use my questions)
  • Create more questions for your nominees to answer (I’m looking for unique and creative ones)
  • Comment on this blog post with a link DIRECTLY to your Liebster award. To make it easy for me to read them all.

Entries start 1st Jan 2018 and ends on 25th Dec 2018. The winner will be picked on the 31st of December.

So for the questions Jeannette asked…

Nominee Questions:

  1. 1. If you could pick one thing you are most proud of about your blog, what would it be?

  2. 2. What kinds of self-care tips do you use while writing?

  3. 3. Describe your ideal writing space?

  4. 4. Write a 5 word tagline that you would put on your blog.

  5. 5. What drives you to write a blog on mental health?

  6. 6. What inspired you to blog?

ANSWERS:

  1. The feedback and flattering responses from all the followers that stop in and read … it’s just amazing when it touches someone and reaches out to someone just at the right moment that they needed it.
  2. Breathing and alone time…
  3. I love writing in a quiet comfortable spot.. in bed, or on the couch alone. QUIET… did I mention quiet?
  4. Can you hear me now?
  5. Life.  Therapy.  The desire to help others which in return helps myself.
  6. I just wanted to write somewhere other than a journal.  I was honestly just curious to see if anyone would like what I had to say…

So now with that said.. Here are my questions for the next set of nominees:

  1. Can you recall the moment you realized that writing was your outlet? If so, please share.
  2. What is it about Blogging that you enjoy the most?
  3. If you could hang out with a writer or artist from the past, for a day..  Who? and Why?
  4. The one place in the world that you want to visit but can’t seem to make it happen?
  5. What do you feel is the one thing in this world that your life is missing? What could you do to try and make this possible?

Thanks again Jeannette, this was a bunch of fun! Take care all and enjoy.

 

 

© 2018 Joseph Emerson @ WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 
22 Comments

Posted by on January 20, 2018 in Awards, Mental Health, writing

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Sleep paralysis

Mystifying and cryptic. 

Gloomy and apocalyptic….

 

This is how I envision

the theater in my head,

Feelings of the colors

black, drab and dark red.

Barbed wire around my lungs,

stabbing, restricting as I breath.

Fluid inside my heart turning black,

Boiling vigorously begins to seethe.

 

Dark dressed figures are filing in,

organizing a vast congregation.

Eerily anxiously waiting for,

a humiliating public castration.

Never given an adequate chance

to stand or walk tall,

Beaten down relentlessly

they forced me to crawl.

Similar to being stuck in a dream,

trying to fight but feeling too weak.

Opened my mouth attempting to scream,

only to find I can’t even speak.

 

Escaping to a hot desert scene

where I’m lying on the ground,

longing for a sudden death

as the vultures circle ’round.

I finally awake

as my eyes spring open,

Overwhelming panic

as my body lies frozen.

Cannot move or think

wanting to yell,

ultimate fear comes to life

as I’m stuck in this hell…

 

 

© 2018 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 
41 Comments

Posted by on January 14, 2018 in Mental Health, poetry, writing

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Up the dosage 💊

Up the dosage,

make it more numb.

Make it so I,

can ghastly overcome.

💊

As my subconscious waves it’s deadly sword

on a collision course toward my mind.

My conscious presence jumps up and down

and hails, airily cheering from the side-line.

🗡

Taunting, screaming, mocking and chanting

I wish to act as if I don’t have any care,

But given the chance to take em’ all on,

Without question… as it is all too much to bear.

🤼‍♂️

As if my mind were not of my own

“Do as we say, and not as you wish”,

Like I was given this body and mind,

only to be trapped in a bowl like a fish

🐟

So, up the dosage

I will soon overcome,

the only way I know how,

by being comfortably numb.

💊

 

© 2018 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 
15 Comments

Posted by on January 12, 2018 in Mental Health, poetry, writing

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

 
%d bloggers like this: