nap time? (trigger warning)

“Why don’t you take an afternoon nap?”

They’re rejuvenating you say?

Except my dreams aren’t cute and fuzzy,

I will gladly illustrate if I may…

I had that dark fantasy again

the one where I wake up on the floor,

awkwardly too weak to run away,

can’t manage to unlatch the door.

Warm, dried blood on my hands,

that sad disheartening feeling

as I just lie there hopelessly

staring up at the bathroom ceiling.

I begin to start with the inquiry

what course led me to end up here?

I know I am the devil who did this,

so I have no right, to shed a tear.

The feeling is just so damn euphoric

unlike any stimulating substance,

something grabs ahold of me instantly

no sense, or presence of reluctance.

Please, it is not a cry for attention,

I assure you it’s no attempt at suicide,

if you recall, just a dream this time

so nothing inside me has died.

Sweaty, frantically I wake up

pure envy and yearning pass by,

my obsession with self-mutilation

by any means, I just can’t seem to deny.

Good night



    1. Had an issue with it for a while. My girlfriend found out and I talked about it a lot in therapy. I get the urge here and there but have not done it in a long time. It was like my little secret and once it got out it wasn’t as beautiful to me. I know that may sound strange… One of my monsters.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No, it doesn’t sound strange at all. We all have our own monsters to deal with. I mean… It’s been years for me since I attempted suicide, and I still have it in the back of my mind. (Note: Not that I would act on those thoughts ever again).
        Thank goodness for therapy and a great group of friends for support.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Scary dream and I can relate. It helps to write about it. This was something I have done as well. I became addicted to the behavior unfortunately and have many unappealing scar tattoos to remind me. Thank God those days are done. I will never do it again. I pray you never do it again either. It is an awful dark place to be and visit. Great writing as always. Be well, Sue

    Liked by 1 person

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