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Just a year ago…

02 Jan

If you had seen me

Just a year ago,

The boy inside

you wouldn’t know.

The foolish ways

I would act and dress,

Only to “make” you

feel so impressed.

The games I played

the lies I spoke,

So full of shit

I began to choke.

It all began to spill

onto the floor,

I just couldn’t seem

to lie anymore.

I had failed to hide

the hate in me,

the shaking had shown

through anxiety.

My cover was blown

the jig was up,

I was now forced

to say it’s enough.

The tears would start

I wouldn’t know why,

Even when I was mad

I’d start to cry.

The feelings were mixed

the reasons were screwed,

and most would’ve agreed

my views were so skewed.

Fantasies of death

raced through my head,

the smile would grow

as I envisioned me dead.

The voice in my mind

would plead and beg,

I had even playfully jabbed

a knife in my leg.

Just to see

how it would feel,

an orgasmic feeling

of sharpened cold steel.

Pathetically made a list

of the family I’d miss,

as I traced with that blade

the veins in my wrist.

 

So….

If you had seen me

Just a year ago,

The boy inside

You wouldn’t, have wanted to know..

 

 

Ā© 2018 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 

 
15 Comments

Posted by on January 2, 2018 in Mental Health, poetry, writing

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

15 responses to “Just a year ago…

  1. lou rasmus

    January 2, 2018 at 10:07 pm

    damn man this is true as shit. ive been there. up and up from here. hopefully

    Liked by 1 person

     
  2. Felicia Denise

    January 3, 2018 at 12:22 am

    šŸ‘šŸ’ÆšŸ’ÆšŸ’Æ

    Liked by 1 person

     
  3. RhapsodyBoheme

    January 10, 2018 at 5:45 pm

    This is very powerful and full of growth and self awareness. And although you say that e wouldn’t have wanted to know that boy, I think it is you who no longer wanted to know him and you changed. Powerful and awesome. Congratulations, but remember that even that was a part of your journey and how YOU came to be. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Joseph Emerson

      January 10, 2018 at 5:50 pm

      Thank you so much. You are definitely right on with, me not wanting to be the one that knew him. Life can get very tiresome if you keep letting it slip away… Awareness is key. Also to not let yourself slip when the old person wants to peek over the fence. Thank you so much much for the comment and reading. āœŒšŸ¼

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • RhapsodyBoheme

        January 10, 2018 at 5:57 pm

        Of course my friend and you are right. I can relate because I have been there and I just wrote a post about acceptance being the key. I think it goes hand in hand with awareness and once we draw awareness to the problem, it can no longer exist. Same as with our thoughts and what really helped me to keep the ego in check was a book from Eckhart Tolle called the power of now. You might enjoy it if thoughts still haunt you from time to time.

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • Joseph Emerson

        January 10, 2018 at 5:59 pm

        I will absolutely check that out. Thanks, sounds like it might be similar to a book I read called Wherever you go, there you are. I forget who wrote it and I am being totally lazy and don’t want to walk to the bookshelf haha šŸ¤£

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • RhapsodyBoheme

        January 10, 2018 at 6:08 pm

        Haha no worries, I can check it out šŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • Joseph Emerson

        January 10, 2018 at 6:14 pm

        Ok so I felt terrible for saying that I was being lazy so I got up….. Author Jon Kabat-Zinn. it’s about “mindfulness meditation in everyday life”

        Liked by 1 person

         
      • RhapsodyBoheme

        January 10, 2018 at 10:46 pm

        Awe thank you so much and I hope I didn’t made you feel guilty. I will definitely check into it and I love to find an inspirational, meaningful book. Thank you for sharing and best wishes to you.

        Liked by 1 person

         
  4. Alan J. Blaustein

    January 17, 2018 at 9:51 pm

    I understand the feeling! I wrote a memoir of my younger self when I lived in the East Village from 1968 to 1973, and I shudder at how I survived all that.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Joseph Emerson

      January 17, 2018 at 9:55 pm

      Very cool. I envy those years, I would have to say for the music.. and just living in those years seemed very progressive. Someone created me in the 80’s as punishment for something I had done in a previous life haha

      Liked by 1 person

       
  5. Alan J. Blaustein

    January 18, 2018 at 12:58 am

    Yes, those years. There was a war going on that seemed to have no end, and a president thought of as corrupt. It was drugs and politics, perhaps a bit more of the former than the latter. Marijuana was thought of as bad as heroin.

    Back then.

    Liked by 1 person

     

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