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Am I am… is I am?

££££-CHANTELLE HOUGHTON

Here we go with the same old shit

DamnIT, I thought I was done with it,

Tired again, and yet looking for more

From where or for what? I am not sure.

Once again my ideas are cloudy and shaded

my love of everything has somewhat faded,

This manic thinking draws out the stress

there’s no worse feeling than that, of a total mess.

Just when you think everything is all in its place

that neat package of bullshit blows up in your face.

I underestimate how manipulative and strikingly strong

why bother fighting? Much easier to just play along,

The more I try to control those big voices inside

the more they resist, defy and begin to collide.

A complete waste of time, is building a defense

made up of lies and a cocktail of antidepressants,

As much as I attempt to change who I am,

I am reminded that I am, who I am, and that’s all I am really am…. huh?

 

 

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Why I am so tired.

Been away for a while.

I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere and got a little misplaced.  One minute I was out for a walk smelling the flowers and next thing ya’ know I was talking to strangers, eating things I was uncertain of, and drinking potions that smelled funny….  it’s downright maniacal how our mind works….                  ?

One minute you feel like everything is aligned, on track, in a routine.  Then blast.. complete chaos.  All going on inside my little head.  Feasting on anxiety and irrational thoughts.  I got stuck like a fly in a spider web, unaware it was in trouble until it was too late, it’s been wrapped up to die a slow death, until it is time to be devoured.  Barely enough time to analyze what had just happened, with little to no time to compile and list all of life’s regrets.

You know that feeling you get when your hair stands up on the back of your neck? All the senses in your body go completely haywire and start to short circuit, when you are afraid something might be right behind you amid running up the basement stairs?… Imagine that feeling for 5 minutes solid in a straight jacket.  No.  Seriously, close your eyes and imagine that fright tingling in your fingertips and all the way from your frontal lobe to the tip of your toe….

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My life in a nutshell, is what you’re feeling.

I’m exhausted…

Good Night.

 

© 2018 Joseph Emerson @ WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com

 

 
22 Comments

Posted by on February 21, 2018 in Mental Health, writing

 

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