I know, I know I went the easy route by going sober in a year that only had 365.25 days in it, instead of going for the leap year with 366. Ugh.. you can say I do the bare minimum.
One year ago today, January 13th, 2017 was my first day without a drink, or any other recreational drugs (weed). Both of which I had leaned on for so many years to make me feel “normal” and “level”… only to find out that, I never actually knew what that meant. So how can you bring yourself back to a baseline if you never knew what that was to begin with?
After trying to “Quit” drinking several times before… I would just go back to it even harder than before. I was so skilled in the art of alcoholism that people during the day had no idea there was even an issue. Until the “Jekyll and Hyde” would happen in the evenings. Couple that with severe depression and anxiety with a touch of self mutilation, you can say life was a bit uncomfortable, to say the least. After about 6 months of sobriety I started to realize that there was something else wrong. My brain, head, thoughts, anxiety, depression and obsessions were in overdrive and I couldn’t get out of my front door on most days. This scared the living shit out of me. Staying awake for days on end, constantly shaking with random panic attacks, calling out of work because I thought I was “dying”. I knew after the summer, around 9 months of sobriety that I needed to talk to a professional.
I had toyed with the idea several times, but would later talk myself out of it by convincing myself that I was being over dramatic and ridiculous. So I made an appointment, with help from my mom (I’m 33 and still and always will be a momma’s boy). The best idea I/we had ever made in my entire life. I now see a shrink every week and after a careful two month evaluation it was suggested that I talk to my doctor about going on meds. Long story shortened a little… I am still sober with no plan of ever going back to that place and I take meds to calm the shaking and my mind. I am still a work in progress every day (like they say in AA, we strive for progress, not perfection). “One day at a time.”
So as I move forward I need to keep my head up, the creative juices flowing and just breath and appreciate the little bit of time we have here. Living it, not in fear or pain but in comfort with who I am and how I spend my time. Not blaming or looking for “the reasons” for why things happen. Sometimes it “just is…”
If you know someone that has an addiction, please reach out to them.
Thanks for reading!! 🤠
Picture was from my 30th, almost 4 years ago….