I will not hang myself


My mom used to say that if given enough rope I’d hang myself…

For some reason, this thought comes to my mind now, that my therapist and I have made a conscious decision to cut my CBT sessions down to just twice a month.  Although I feel it is time for me to practice what I’ve  learned on my own, I’m almost anticipating/expecting a relapse.  Especially after how I have been feeling the past couple weeks.  Tired, depressed and slightly anxious… all of which I have not really mentioned to him.  Things I need to constantly remind myself:

  1. Be aware of triggers.  For self-mutilation, isolation, and mania.
  2. Redirect and “break the chain” when I notice I’m getting stuck in my head.
  3. Remember it is okay to feel pain, no more bottling! Bottling = Destruction.

Need to remember who I am and what I am.  Not to be ashamed, embarrassed, or afraid.

I can do this.

We got this.



© 2018 Joseph Emerson @ WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com


  1. You can overcome this!

    I like the three points that you have mentioned. Being aware of triggers is very important as is breaking the pattern when you catch yourself being stuck. I practice these two myself.

    Sending you warm wishes and hope 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I have struggled through a lot of these issues without therapy and on sheer willpower past so many years. What is most disconcerting is that 90% of your friends and family have a hard time accepting what you are really going through.. Inside.. Thank god I made it! No I write to help others make it through too. So I think this was the most meaningful shit to ever happen to me. Scars.. A lot of them.. Remind me that too…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes. It’s assumed you’re just being lazy when you’re depressed, hyper and dramatic when you’re manic and irrational when you’re just trying to find the easiest path to get through your day. I love that when I write what is on my mind that it always seems to speak to someone at just the write moment. It’s like a million dollar payment.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes.. I think this gift of knowing when to say what and having the courage to say it the way you want stems from too much of the crap that the brain has waded through over time that now of simply has learnt to do its own thing. Huff… I remember that famous poem ‘To write love on her arms..’ That really reached out many years later when I was helping a younger colleague through her issues. Nice to have found this. Thanks!

        Liked by 3 people

  3. Those are excellent reminders. Do you have them posted where you will see them? I am the post it note queen. Reminders are stuck in several rooms and on my bathroom mirror. What or who inspires you to move forward when you are being pulled back into those old conversations in your head that don’t help you?
    Why aren’t you being straight with your therapist?
    Don’t go it alone.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I have to see him Tuesday. I guess as I was posting this it was my way of saying that I need to come clean to the doc. He is the one that inspires me, I even wrote a post “The Toolbox” to make him laugh about what he tells me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am so glad to hear that you have inspiration and support from him. I take words seriously and I don’t know you, but I decided long ago that I would not remain silent if I felt my authentic concern could make a difference. I hope you give yourself lots of credit for seeking help and fighting to think differently. Way to go.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. When we got stuck in our head we need to go out for a walk. Seems silly, and generally when we feel like this we never want to do anything, but we need to force ourselves, get out of our comfort zone. At the beginning we almost feel the uncomfort of not doing things according to our feelings, but after a while, despite us, we feel better. I say that by experience…
    Best to you!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. There is no struggle like the ones we create for ourselves. For we are so perfectly tuned to destruction, an army of plastic soldiers could not be more frozen in lock step with war. Good luck with your battle; see you on the front!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. It is ok to feel pain. Don’t feel shame. You are a very eloquent writer. I have read a few of your posts now and they all touch my heart. Keep keeping on. Life is so hard. But you have the grit to deal with it. Sending much love. Xxx

    Liked by 2 people

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