If you had seen me
Just a year ago,
The boy inside
you wouldn’t know.
The foolish ways
I would act and dress,
Only to “make” you
feel so impressed.
The games I played
the lies I spoke,
So full of shit
I began to choke.
It all began to spill
onto the floor,
I just couldn’t seem
to lie anymore.
I had failed to hide
the hate in me,
the shaking had shown
through anxiety.
My cover was blown
the jig was up,
I was now forced
to say it’s enough.
The tears would start
I wouldn’t know why,
Even when I was mad
I’d start to cry.
The feelings were mixed
the reasons were screwed,
and most would’ve agreed
my views were so skewed.
Fantasies of death
raced through my head,
the smile would grow
as I envisioned me dead.
The voice in my mind
would plead and beg,
I had even playfully jabbed
a knife in my leg.
Just to see
how it would feel,
an orgasmic feeling
of sharpened cold steel.
Pathetically made a list
of the family I’d miss,
as I traced with that blade
the veins in my wrist.
So….
If you had seen me
Just a year ago,
The boy inside
You wouldn’t, have wanted to know..
© 2018 Joseph Emerson WhatsInsideAMadmansHat.com
damn man this is true as shit. ive been there. up and up from here. hopefully
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Yuppers. Thanks man 🤘
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Truth. Thank you for this
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👍💯💯💯
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👍
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This is very powerful and full of growth and self awareness. And although you say that e wouldn’t have wanted to know that boy, I think it is you who no longer wanted to know him and you changed. Powerful and awesome. Congratulations, but remember that even that was a part of your journey and how YOU came to be. Hugs
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Thank you so much. You are definitely right on with, me not wanting to be the one that knew him. Life can get very tiresome if you keep letting it slip away… Awareness is key. Also to not let yourself slip when the old person wants to peek over the fence. Thank you so much much for the comment and reading. ✌🏼
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Of course my friend and you are right. I can relate because I have been there and I just wrote a post about acceptance being the key. I think it goes hand in hand with awareness and once we draw awareness to the problem, it can no longer exist. Same as with our thoughts and what really helped me to keep the ego in check was a book from Eckhart Tolle called the power of now. You might enjoy it if thoughts still haunt you from time to time.
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I will absolutely check that out. Thanks, sounds like it might be similar to a book I read called Wherever you go, there you are. I forget who wrote it and I am being totally lazy and don’t want to walk to the bookshelf haha 🤣
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Haha no worries, I can check it out 🙂
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Ok so I felt terrible for saying that I was being lazy so I got up….. Author Jon Kabat-Zinn. it’s about “mindfulness meditation in everyday life”
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Awe thank you so much and I hope I didn’t made you feel guilty. I will definitely check into it and I love to find an inspirational, meaningful book. Thank you for sharing and best wishes to you.
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I understand the feeling! I wrote a memoir of my younger self when I lived in the East Village from 1968 to 1973, and I shudder at how I survived all that.
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Very cool. I envy those years, I would have to say for the music.. and just living in those years seemed very progressive. Someone created me in the 80’s as punishment for something I had done in a previous life haha
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Yes, those years. There was a war going on that seemed to have no end, and a president thought of as corrupt. It was drugs and politics, perhaps a bit more of the former than the latter. Marijuana was thought of as bad as heroin.
Back then.
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Holy buckets. That was awesome. You have skills I tell you. You are a very gifted and talented writer. Wonderful. I saw this old one and thought I would take a read. Thanks for sharing.
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Thank you so much. So glad you took a crack at some of the older posts… I got some gems in there lol. Glad you liked it.
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I always enjoy reading your work. It is fabulous.
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